Older Yet Not Much Wiser
by Hardman 5509
Summary: After building a fake beach for Stan, the twins come across some curious medals that grant great powers...and they didn't read the fine text!
1. Chapter 1

"At long last! After weeks of…"

"Child labor."

"Unpaid breaks."

"Stealing refuse from the dump."

"…blood, sweat, and tears, THE MYSTERY BEACH IS OPEN!" Stan triumphantly declared as he cut the ribbon with a pair of rusty scissors. As Wendy was too tired from hammering together benches to turn on the boombox, Stan went over and gave the tired old device a swift kick. It started to play Generic Beach Boogie Track #04. Stan started to hula dance while the rest of the people he forced to help build the beach just laid down for a bit until they regained their energy.

It took two hours of rest and changing clothes, but at long the workers and their friends could enjoy the fruits of their efforts. Stan had played a great game of poker against the mayor and won the deed to the beach on the lake as part of a new money-making scheme. "And I only had to cheat once!" He proudly boasted as he returned his special ace of spades back into the sleeve of his jacket. So he got his nephew and niece and his two employees to build him a beach using what supplies they had on hand. Driftwood, cheap umbrellas, what other building materials Soos had laying out in his shed, and some stuff Mabel found 'laying around with no one looking at them.' And the only thing missing?

A actual beach. So Stan had Mabel draw on some giant poster boards for the background and the man himself randomly dumped out sand all over the place. There, beach!

"Well, at least we don't have to pay the cover charge." Wendy sighed as she laid back onto her towel draped over the rickety and uneven wooden chairs. "…for now."

"Okay." Candy tossed the volleyball up and down on her side of the fishnet that served as the divider between the court made out of lines drawn by a stick. "Grenda, I'm going to need you to be real careful." She pointed at the slightly deflated ball. "This is the only one we have, and it's fragile."

Grenda nodded. "I just tap it." She imitated knocking on a door.

Candy smiled. "Okay, this will work." She lifted the ball up into the air and hit it with appropriate force. After calmly sailing over the net, Grenda merely flicked it back. Candy smiled. Things were working out….until the ball returned back to Grenda who used both hands to hit the ball back, popping it like a balloon. "Oh, Grenda." Candy sighed. Grenda nervously laughed as she tried to fix the ball.

But more serious issues were going on a bit further down the line. Mabel had decided to build a sand castle for a king, King Waddles. But as she started work on the west wing, things went south when in came the east wind carrying Pacifica North…west. Pacifica strode over to Mabel's sandcastle and rocked back and forth, thinking about demolishing the place with a well-placed foot. But having her learnt her lessons from past experiences, Pacifica switched from physical attacks to verbal. "Hey." She sniggered. "It's your future career."

"Professional sand-castle is a rare sport…" Mabel took a moment to think about it. "…but hey, I can earns lots of money from commissions and get all the beach time I want!"

"Yeah, sure." Pacifica sighed. While she remembered attacking Mabel in front of Stan would have dire consequences, verbal attacks had little to absolute no effect on the happy go-lucky girl. But perhaps a comparison was in order. "By the way…have you grown any?" Pacifica asked while making a circling motion towards her chest.

Mabel turned around for a quick second before turning around and saying. "Nah. Kinda good for me, I like my current selection of clothes."

"Not heightwise." Pacifica said in a more neutral tone. "Chestwise."

"Is that some sort of lame fat joke?" Mable replied in a more direct tone.

"Breasts!" Pacifica shouted. The other beachgoers looked at her for a brief moment, making the rich girl blush a bit. "I'm talking about your breasts!"

"I think I was told something about this in school…" Mabel squinted, getting tired of Pacifica's attitude. "Should I go ahead and call Blubs and Durland?"

"Ergh!" Pacifica took a second to calm down and get back to the subject on hand. "Take a look at this, chalkboard!" With a single motion of her body familiar to a shampoo commercial, she swung her body back and forth, letting her apparently ample chest bounce a bit. Mabel took notice at long last, gasping in awe.

"Some will call me a early bloomer." Pacifica started to boast. "But I chalk it up to good genetics." She leaned onto her toes and started to bounce up and down. While her chest wasn't as voluminous as most of cheap animes aimed towards young men, it did move up and down a bit. With at least enough motion to make Mabel gasp once more. "So…" Pacifica giggled in her usual fashion. "…tell me. You still use the toddler's section?" Pacifica than walked off, continuing to showoff her underage body to the uncomfortable adults around her.

"I still got a better body…" Mabel bemoaned to herself as she looked down to her own unequal chest. Waddles came over and licked Mabel's face, allowing her to temporally forget about Pacifica for now.

As one of the Pines twins had a problem, it made sense that the other would have one too. Like with Mabel, Dipper's day started out normally: burying a heavily-sleeping Soos under the sand. But soon his attention of turning Soos into a sandlady got turned away when he saw a actor out of Baywatch come his direction. Nay, that be Wendy in a awesome bikini running by. His mouth hang open and laid there like a giant mousetrap. He nearly choked on a fly that entered the void.

But as he ran up to her little jog, flying dirty insects weren't the only thing he ended choking on. "Ugha…" Which meant 'Hello'. Wendy obviously hadn't been paying attention in Idiot-Speak, and merely turned her head with a kind smile. Dipper then said, "Stimlow." Which could either mean 'You are very attractable to my various senses." Or "I can't find the right words for this predicament." Wendy must have interpreted as the latter, as she gave a very confused look.

"Hiya Wendy!" Came the bugle cry of the attacking unit of Robbie, knocking poor Dipper to the ground and out of sight. What Dipper could see was a sight that would burn his mind and leave behind a noticeable scar…Robbie in a speedo. "I got a few pranks lined up, you wanna liven the place up a bit?"

"Better than exercising I guess." Wendy sighed. "Lead the way!"

Dipper then watched the two run off while crackling like maniacs. He soon got himself out of the hole in the ground and brushed away the sand covering his arms. Normally he would play sad music in his head, something with a soft piano and a caressing violin. But rather, his anthem to his sadness started with a swift electric rock guitar solo and then hit it hard with fierce drum pounding. Anger swelled inside him…

….and then came the slidewhistle as he fell into a pit covered up by a towel. Once more plucking himself out of the ground, he could snickering and a loud two-person clap.

Dipper laid in his new hole home, wondering and pondering onhow he could deal with Robbie and finally win Wendy over to his side. He imagined himself as a older, but still stapling study fellow with the perfect body flexing his mountains of muscles as a gorgeous Wendy hugged his bicep. So he needed to become older and more masculine…and seeing how Gravity Falls operates, there should be a item or two that could fix this little problem…but what and where…

"Man, I hope that's just a bar of soap." Dipper bemoaned as he could feel something cold sticking to his back. As he nervously reached around to grab it, he prepared for the worst. But instead of something living or even organic, it felt metallic…sort like a medal! Hoping that he could impress Wendy with something valuable, he pulled it off his back and examined it. Shiny all right, but Dipper guessed it would probably get him enough to get a few candy bars knowing his luck.

The symbol on it caught his eyes. Crawling out of the pit, he went over to where he stashed his manual on the oddities of the town. Quickly scanning it, he found the symbol and even the medal itself! "Hormonal Improver." Dipper stated the title of the article. "Increases the age of the wielder to a appropriate age…" Dipper closed the manual instantly after that part. Nonverbally he went around the city and found a towel that could use as to support the medal. And with a toss of his head, he slapped on the medal.

He felt a strange pulling sensation from all sides. The first item to be increased was his head and torso. He could feel the muscles in his body straining and building as his arms and legs gained length and size. But despite the pain he went through, he remained standing during the entire transformation. Eventually, after a good minute of painful stretching the whole thing ended…and Dipper felt…taller.

Dipper found the mirror in the changing room and looked upon his new bod. Spanking fresh and muscular. He flexed a few times, and boy did his muscles put on a fireworks show! He looked nice! He looked just like the hunk that Wendy had been fawning over in her latest mag. Tossing his manual aside, he ran like a action star out to go save Wendy from that speedo-wearing freak.

But the book had more to offer about the medal. You see…there's a set of these medals. Dipper thankfully found the one that made older and the twin grants the effect of youth. Worn together, the wearer becomes a immortal being….

…but that's a later chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

As a test of his sweet new bod, Dipper jumped back into the hole that he had found the medal in. Bending his thunderous thighs, he leapt a good clean ten feet out of the hole and landed on his two legs without injury. Satisfied by this, Dipper let out a booming laughter.

"Yeah, this is cool!" He stated in his new deep, movie-announcer/action-star voice. "Woah!" Dipper massaged his throat, unbelieving that the medal also granted him not only a cool body, but also a sexy voice. "Niiccceeee." He let his voice drag on. "With this voice and his bod, I could do underwear commercials!" He let his thoughts drift off into the land of dreams where he saw himself flexing several times wearing only a pair of white-righties before the brand name flashes on screen for a few seconds before ending with Dipper giving a compliment to the ladies. That's all that commercial would need to sell every pack of underwear within the week.

But that could wait. Wendy still remained a captive of that jerk Robbie, and there's no way that smelly hoodie punk would even think about pulling a prank against…oh, what should be a cool name to use for the new Dipper? Something that would work well with all of the muscles and the voice…

"Rowsdower." Dipper breathed out. "Perfect."

But of course, Dipper…Rowsdower needed to find Wendy first. He had spent too much time admiring himself in the mirror to notice where she and Robbie had run to. But the beach wasn't that big, so finding the two would just be as simple as following the usual smell of pranksters: rotten food stuff. Putting on a strut, Rowsdower combed the beach.

But not less than two minutes later did Rowsdower run into his first problem. If this could be called a problem. Hearing a sound much like a dying motor-tricycle, Rowsdower turned around to see a crowd of teenagers and early adult women running up to meet the new beach hunk while giggling like preteen schoolgirls. The little Dipper inside of the big Rowsdower didn't know what to do. Girls of various sizes, colors, and outfits were running towards him fully prepared to tackle him down and prevent him running to the goalpost.

"Hey stud!" One of the older women burped out.

"Ignore her, she isn't drunk at all!" Shouted another girl, this one younger. "But I am drunk! On you ~" She slowly traced a finger down his masculine chest, pressing her upper body against Rowsdower. The rest of the ladies came forward, all of them wanting to push their breasts against his huge body.

"Come on!" A third girl, this one younger than second, came by and took Rowsdower by the arm. "I'll treat you to a big heaping glass of lemonade!" She turned on her shiny eyes to further lure in this beefy hunk of beefy cornbread.

"Surr-e..." Rowsdower muttered out as strong as he could. "I-i would l-lik-e tha-a-t-t...yeeesss-s." The sea of boobs overwhelmed Rowsdower to the point where he promptly forgot about that one girl…what's her name? Rowsdower thought about it as he walked towards the juice bar. She was a blonde right?

But that wasn't the only thing that Dipper forgot. About a few yards away laid the S.S. Soos, buried under the sand and awaiting the day where it would be risen from its sandy grave. But the ghosts were rather talkative. "So Glenn." Soos started out talking with his new hermit crab friend. "I was going to do the next part in my fixing things video…but then Stan asked me to build him a beach, and I had to do that or he'll take my computer away." Glenn reacted much in the same way that a hermit crab would when it found food. It pinched Soos' nose. "Ay, that tickles!"

Meanwhile, Wendy had been trying to enjoy what Robbie initially promised, but she found herself pining for the days of watching paint dry. She wanted to see people flying off into the sunset, physics being defied, gigantic messes all around…those were awesome pranks.

Robbie placing a whoopee cushion on an old barstool ain't exactly going to be earning any originality points anytime soon.

Of course, regardless of how much or even little thought you put into a prank, there will people who will fall for it. And here came a prime target: lanky Deputy Durland carrying some…nachos? Wendy felt even more sorry for Durland as his nachos consisted of expired tortilla chips, (The ones she threw away yesterday during the secret snack break.) globs of imitation cheese, (Didn't Stan use some a while back to sell as facial youth cream?) and obvious spoiled slices of tomato along with some old-looking ketchup.

Blubs waved over to Durland…and much to Robbie's immature delight, Durland set off the whoopee cushion.

"Durland!" Blubs shouted all surprised. "That's one of those crude noises I told you to not make."

"Oops!" Durland covered his mouth out of embarrassment.

"Sorry pal." Blubs sighed as he grabbed and took away the cardboard tray of the bad nachos. (That raises a good question, Wendy thought. Which is better for your health: the nachos or the tray?) Durland gasped. "I got to confiscate this potential weapon."

"Y-yes sir…" Durland started to cry as Robbie stopped his hiding and started to laugh out loud. As effective as the prank ended up performing, it still couldn't budge Wendy from her boredom. She became a heavy stone in the middle of a calm sea. It would take a Herculean-like man to move her…oh hey, at least the overbearing sun got blocked by a huge shadow…

Meanwhile…at the ranch…Mabel still tried to finish her masterpiece Truffle Castle, but the image of stupid sexy Pacficia twisting her hips kept popping into her head like a dying soldier in the mud. Bad analogy aside, Mabel just couldn't get past this rather stupid and trivial matter of breasts! Personality is the key behind any romance, not globs of bouncy, beautiful flesh…

Jealousy started to build inside of Mabel. She bit her lip and let out a whine that scared poor Waddles away. During her little pout, Mabel accidently knocked down a section of her sandcastle, letting in the invading beach tide turned the castle into Mudvilla. Dropping to the ground out of pure frustration, Mabel looked up at the sky in hopes of calming herself down. Calling out the shapes of clouds should ease some tension. Look, a smiley face! That one looks like a skull…no, wait a duck. A rabbit from a different angle. The two clouds to the right looks like two bowling balls. Pillows of clouds over to the east looked real comfy. Look at those mountains! Man, those two look like melons…

"RRRAAAGGGHH!" Mabel finally burst out. This earned the attention of her two friends Candy and Grenda. "For crying out loud! Why does she gets to be a adult while I'm still called a kid?!"

"It's Pacifica, it's probably two oranges." Grenda tried to calm her friend, but Mabel started to roll around all annoyed. "It's just Pacifica! She ain't as good as you!"

"We'll treat you to something at the juice bar." Candy pointed towards the makeshift hut.

Mabel got up and pouted. "That might not help: it's just tap water and lemon juice. But hey, better than sitting here and letting Pacifica's one good thing bother me for the rest of my life."

"Lemon juice?" Grenda asked with a raised eyebrow. "Don't ya mean lemonade?"

"Nope." Mabel shook her head. "The juice bar only serves water off the tap, and lemon juice they use for cooking and other stuff….besides drinking."

Grenda became dumbstruck. Her whole life flashed before her eyes as she could feel her gut shrink and her brain shrivel from the knowledge of the horrible truth. Her eyes lost their hue and became white husks as her entire body got sapped of all of her strength, bringing her to her knees. Veins tighten, Grenda started to gasp for air…

…and out came a resounding quick exhale of air that reverberated across the beach. After the burp died down, Grenda ran off with her friends in tow.

But as they approach the bar, they got blocked by a group of teenage girls. Mabel's first thought on the matter: 'Unless Stan actually went out and bought something, then that has to be the clearest tap water and the most refreshing lemon juice on the planet. But as she could overhear a name as she and her friends made their way through the crowd, this lead her to believe that some sort of rockstar had came into town. Her next thought made her believe that a female rockstar came into town.

Back to Soos…

"Glenn, that's not food, come back up to my face!"

Back to Mabel…

Each of the three girls had a different reaction as they saw the man sitting on the bar, chugging down many shot glasses of tap water and lemon juice. Grenda's eyes wavered as she held up a hand up to her forehead and promptly fell over backwards, fainting. Candy decided to let the floodgates within her mouth burst open and let a river of clean water flood the beach. But Mabel didn't immediately faint, drool, cry, laugh, die, explode like the other girls.

This hunk…this Rowsdower…seemed to be familiar to her.

All the hot ladies around him made the massive mass of muscle sweat like he was doing a hundred lap run in a sauna the size of a football stadium. Wouldn't a man his size, weight, height, and muscle be chuckling as he wooed each girl hugging his biceps? And whenever he talked about his past and how he got here, he had a problem pronouncing the most complex and sexy of words: 'uggah-bakka', 'keritfew' and 'pikka-blu'. A man with that deep of a voice shouldn't have this sort of problem. And what's with those legs? Was he going to break into a breakdown dance? And why did he look so weird without his hat?

Wait!

"He's my brother…from a alternate dimension!" Mabel silently declared to herself. "Makes perfect sense! After all, MY Dipper couldn't be this awkward!" She started to forget about her previous problem as she decided to confront this hunk, but the previous problem decided to rear it's head right into Mabel, knocking her down.

If the previous problem's head could be considered to be two orange-like and orange-sized breasts.

"So you're the big man in town." Pacifica started out by moving her hips inward and letting her breasts bounce upward. Rowsdower looked on with a raised eyebrow. "So tell me big man…" Pacficia licked her lips as she placed a hand on her hips and swung back and forth. "…are you just a tall tale, or are you a real man that can sweep a poor little girl off her feet?"

This greatly confused Rowsdower. Didn't Pacifica used to be flat, like just the other day when he saw her? When did she hit that magic growth spurt? Literally over-night? And why did he suddenly want orange juice? And despite his half-confusion/half-repulsion, Pacifica continued her routine. "But don't just use your words…" She wagged her tongue in and out of her mouth, like a snake about to pounce…or would hop be better? "…use your great strength and take me!"

At this point, Mabel had managed to pull herself free of her personal sandtrap. As Grenda and Candy were trapped in their little world and Pacifica was once more flaunting her new developments, she returned to her little funk. As Pacifica started to perform a drunk version of a lap dance, Mabel wandered off by muttering out loud, "Boobs are stupid. They don't have any brains in them, just fat."

Being twins and being close by, Dipper could feel his sister's pain and noticed her walking away all sullen-like. Obviously Pacifica's new body had managed to make Mabel jealous. Perhaps it would be time to pass on the medal to Mabel so she could mock Pacifica once more and overcome her angst? But Rowsdower found himself in between a rotten shack and a crowd of fangirls. But which was the rock and what was the hard place? Probably both. And they weren't going to let him leave…alive or dead…or wearing any clothes.

What he needed was a distraction. But nothing too simple, these girls not only need to fall for the trick, but also keep them occupied long enough for him to disappear…okay, sure. These girls immediately fell for his magic body, so the 'look over' trick wouldn't work…

"Hey, that dude lost his trunks!" Rowsdower shouted, and pointed in the opposite direction of Mabel. With all of the girls gasping to see a naked man running about, Rowsdower jumped over the bar and snuck out the back door.

Toby groaned as he looked over his ruined trunks. How could he be so stupid to not watch out for spots of glue specifically spread over the chairs? After all…the owner of the Mystery Shack was known for his cutting of corners, so it would make sense that he would use cheap glue to build chairs! But his thoughts were interrupted when a falling space colony of screams crashed right next to him. Robbie burst a gut laughing at this, but Wendy barely cracked a eye when she could see the fully exposed Toby.

Wendy really wanted to hang out with Dipper now. If she hadn't already gotten halfway into sleep, she would go out and look for him.

Mabel's bickering to herself prevented her from hearing the explosion behind her of terrified women (And Pacifica) and her own name being called by Rowsdower.

Wait.

"Hey!" She turned around with a angry glare and pointed a finger at the hunk beast. "How do you know my name?" Rowsdower looked really worried. "…are you really my brother's evil clone…"

"Into the plastic bushes!" Rowsdower suddenly shouted as he grabbed Mabel and vaulted over the plastic covers that were painted as bushes. At least Mabel could take comfort that she was at least kidnapped and held in her own artwork. Rowsdower, having seen/forced to watch a ton of romantic comedies before, immediately covered Mabel's mouth so he could say, "Listen Mabel. Listen to my soothing voice and I shall explain a lot of things and…"

"Hey!" Shouting over Rowsdower's voice came the voice of Uncle Stan and the blips and beeps of his rusty metal detector. "Who's hiding in my garden?" He asked with a grunt. "I don't actually care who you are, but if you're going to use MY garden as a make-out spot, please leave a twenty dollar bill at the rental shack. I will be expecting this, and trust me…you don't want to know what I buried there." And with a chuckle, he continued to search for fallen change.

For a time, the two twins were silent. They didn't want to know what they were standing on…but really, just a whoopee cushion stolen from Robbie.


End file.
